top of page

Dating App Horrors, Part 1

To set the scene and give you some background information:

The very first picture on my dating app profile is of me looking pretty stacked. Tank top on, traps on full display, arms looking very meaty, lighting and shadows on point, barbell in the squat rack, you get the idea.

I did this with intention; you are lying if you say you've never been on a date with someone who looks *completely fucking different* than what their profile would lead you to believe. I do not want to be that bitch who just has face pics and then shows up to the coffee shop or bar for a beverage looking like a silverback gorilla. I recognize and understand that my body type is not for everyone and I do not need to waste my time (or theirs) if they aren't into it. This is also why I make sure I wear a tank top every time I meet someone for the first time, just in case they somehow didn't notice the gym pic or were highly distracted by my other standard-issue-white-girl hiking pics. I need to know immediately if the fact that my pecs are as big as yours is going to be a dealbreaker.


Things that men have messaged me as conversation starters in response to the aforementioned photo:

"Are you into fitness??"

Nope, sure am not, I look like this with no effort at all. My free time is spent knitting and baking cookies.

"Wanna arm wrestle? I bet I'd win."

From the bottom of my heart, no I do not. But thank you SO much for not wasting my time and letting me know right away that know your masculinity is extremely fragile. Best of luck.

"Damn I cant imagine what your legs and ass look like if that's what your arms look like."

They look very strong, thank you very much, and are definitely deserving of someone who doesn't look like Barney Gumble. Goodbye.

"Wanna leg wrestle?"

This one legitimately made me frown and say 'Ew, no.'

"Do you think you could squat me?"

Yes, for reps. You are scrawny as fuck my guy.

(Barney Gumble)

"I've never been with a fit girl before. "

Oh, cool. Well, hate to break it to you but you're definitely not gonna get with one now after saying that to me. Just a pro-tip for the future; fetishizing someone directly is SUPER gross and will not help your cause in any capacity.

"Haha do u lift"

Any man who just uses the letter 'u' instead of taking the time to press the keyboard two extra times to complete the entire word does not get a message back.

Also, again, nope I definitely don't lift, I look like this because I take spin classes and do arm circles with one pound dumbbells.

"Those are some juicy lats."

This one just made me giggle hysterically.

To prove to you I am NOT KIDDING:

(No I did not hit 'Match With Chris')

"How much do you bench?"

I actually took the bait on this one because 1. I am very proud of my bench press and will tell anyone who asks me about it and 2. he was hot. I immediately regretted it though, because I got to enjoy a 20 minute monologue about how much HE benches and how much stronger HE is than me and how he worked so hard to get to where he is at physically, etc etc.

Here is my question: Dude, do you *truly* think that I am attracted to you because of the amount of pounds you can push off your chest? Do you *truly* think I am attracted to the fact that you are asserting yourself in a physical manner? Does it cross your mind that perhaps that's not the best way to go about winning the attention of a woman living in the 21st century who has been taught to walk home with her car keys sticking through her fingers just in case she needs to gouge out an eyeball of a male attacker? I mean, come ON. You can at least try to use your steroid addled brain, even just ten percent of it.

"I don't know how I'd feel about the woman being the larger one; I just lost over 100 lbs. Might be weird for me."

Normally, I would not give a message like this the time of day, but I was in the mood to rage and this one struck me as straight up rude.

I responded and said, "Sorry, did you say this on purpose? What sort of response were you looking for exactly?"

(He did not reply LOL)

"My ideal first date is leg day at the gym followed by tacos. You like look a cute gym partner."

Okay okay okay, lots to unpack here Chadley, but I will bite. There are just some things I need you to know right out of the gate:

- I do not fuck around with leg day. You kind of look like you think golf is fun and will mansplain Bitcoin to me, which leads me to believe that your version of legs at the gym means quarter squats and leg extensions. This is not how I roll.

- I do not look cute when I go to the gym; I am there to work hard and make some things happen for myself. I am potentially trying to attract you, and there is a very solid chance my forehead vein named Peggy is making an appearance at some point, as will my second, third, and fourth chins named Moe, Larry, and Curley (see below for example). Are you prepared to wonder if I'm about to burst a blood vessel in my eyeball?

- I feel like you are picturing working out with a GymShark gal who wears those ombré high waisted seamless shorts with a matching long sleeve top and crispy white Chuck Taylors. I also happen to wear Chucks, but they are soaked in sweat and tears and maybe a little bit of pee, and can no longer be called white because they are so fucking filthy.

- My digestive system is a sensitive bitch, and street tacos are not a risk I am willing to take for someone whose only hobbies are the stock market and hitting a white ball over and over again. How do you feel about egg whites and sweet potatoes instead?


Dating App Horrors Part 2, coming soon.


Triple Divide Fitness

43 views1 comment

Recent Posts

See All

1 Comment

alexia wray
alexia wray
Sep 26, 2021

continual fire and laughs from you. THANK YOU. Ugh dating apps 🙄 can’t wait to read part 2

bottom of page