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Ground Meat Aficionado

How many times have you typed and re-typed your dating profile? If you are like me, the answer is 474382 times, because nothing is ever good enough. It has to be extremely witty but not too dry or these idiots won't get it, sarcastic enough to intrigue them but not too sarcastic such that you make yourself sound bitchy, and it must have an edge of mystery to it but still volunteer enough information to make them think you aren't extremely boring even though you definitely are. These requirements are exhausting, and spectacularly unachievable for all parties involved. So instead, people just end up picking three different objects/foods/hobbies they think are unique (they aren't) and that make them interesting (they don't) and throw the words 'enthusiast', 'aficionado', or 'connoisseur' behind them, even though they don't convey anything useful about who they are as a human.


If I followed this cookie-cutter dating profile equation, my bio would be as such:

Barbell enthusiast

Ground meat aficionado

Sleep Connoisseur


Ugh. Puke.


First of all, my trauma and anxiety makes me so much more interesting/annoying/high maintenance than that list of stupid things.


Second of all, to the people who use any of these words or other synonyms: I see RIGHT through you and so does everyone else. You went to thesaurus.com and typed in 'addict' and these are the catchy words you picked out. I hate to break it to you, but you are not the only one who thought this was a brilliant idea. I read those words and want to yell at you through my phone screen, "YOU'RE THE SAME AS EVERY OTHER CIS/HET MAN! TELL ME SOMETHING UNIQUE GOD DAMMIT."


If I were to have an Honest Dating Profile, this is what it would say:


1. "I drink alcohol extremely rarely and will actually be so upset if you get shit-can wasted in front of me."


I find drinking/party culture abhorrent. I drink alcohol just a handful of times per year and I like it that way. Please do not ask me to go to your favorite brewery and then act put out when I choose to only drink water. I really don't care that much if you drink and I don't; I will respect what other people want to do with themselves, and I know alcohol is a big part of people's social lives. What I *do* care about is if you make me feel weird or neurotic or singled out for choosing not to drink. If the words "Come on, why don't you just live a little and loosen up?" come out of your mouth, I will punch you once in the trachea, twice in the gonads, and three times in your kidneys. How about YOU remember that alcohol is a literal poison and that you are pouring a substance down your gullet that your body actively freaks the fuck out about having inside of it??


2. "I will prioritize sleep over pretty much everything else, including your penis."


Listen, there is a better chance of me winning the lottery than there is of you giving me an orgasm if I choose to have sex with you, so no, I will not be coming over on a Tuesday night at 10 pm (3 hours after my bedtime) only for you to actively neglect my clitoris and then me end up being grumpy all week because I missed out on valuable minutes of REM sleep. No fucking thank you. I train hard and want to continue to get better and stronger, which means I need to sleep a lot to be able to push myself the way that I want to. Unless your name is Chris Evans and you have a geriatric half-blind cat named Ralph that you rescued from the shelter 17 seconds before he was about to get put down that you have to spoon feed, you are not worth the sacrifice.


3. "I am an extremely particular eater, and will probably not go out to eat with you ever because something will go wrong with my digestive tract and then neither of us will be happy or attracted to each other."


I don't usually find myself feeling like I want to be naked in front of someone when there is more pressure inside of my abdomen than the volcanic vents within Mount St. Helens right before she blew in 1980. If I were to be the product of a scientific study, I am 97% positive that I would rival that of a quadruped ruminant in terms of greenhouse gas emissions. Me consuming any of the following things on a date will end in extreme tragedy:

- Dairy

- Onions/Garlic

- Peppers of ANY kind (Capsicums can pound sand)

- Cruciferous vegetables and most leafy greens

- Oats (no I am not kidding)

- Avocados and thus avocado oil (why can't people just cook with olive oil???)

- Egg yolks (yes, even from happy chickens)


If you read that list and thought to yourself, "Wow that effectively eliminates every single fucking type of food available" you are correct, it sure does.


If we go out to eat together, I will *guaranteed* be that asshole that orders something and then says "Except can I have that without the _______, _______, and _______ please? And if you could put the _______ on the side as well? Oh, and if you would also go light on the ________. WAIT, hang on, is that made with ______? I can't eat that either."


And because I ate three pieces of iceberg lettuce and one pumpkin seed at dinner with you because I live in constant fear of what's going to happen inside my body when I consume food, I will be hungry 12 seconds after the meal is over. Now you are in immediate danger of meeting hangry Margaret who will DESTROY you at the smallest trigger. I promise, it's in everyone's best interest if I just feed myself and meet you somewhere else later that does not include food or alcohol based beverages.


4. "I am limited in when I can see you because I am extremely driven when it comes to my career and fitness; I prioritize my time in the gym over everything else aside from sleep, and will not bat an eye ditching you to work out instead if I haven't had the chance to lift a weight that day.


Aw. You think I'm going to miss out on a shoulder pump to sit and listen to you talk about yourself for 42 minutes straight about how great you were at baseball when you were 19? OOF. Although, I would probably listen to you talk about what it's like to be so self-unaware though. I am both fascinated and envious of your unbridled confidence, and could maybe learn something from you. What is it like to think you are the most interesting person in the world? Do you ever get tired of listening to yourself talk? Do you have *any* interest in learning anything about me or my life at all? When was the last time you asked someone a question to continue the conversation? I am ALL ears.

 

What my dating profile actually says:

Recent transplant to Portland from Montana. The only thing that differentiates me from other mid-twenties white girls is the size of my deltoids. Let's meet in person for coffee!


That has a nice ring to it, yeah?


Margaret

Triple Divide Fitness

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Amanda Guy
Amanda Guy
Oct 13, 2021

Love it, Margaret! Just LOVE it. The struggle is totally real. You're awesome and these dating posts have me laughing in tears in some parts. Rock on, lady!

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